[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
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Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
North and South
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.