You Might Also Like
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this