I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
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a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool