It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
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Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Zack Greinke stories are the best
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*