It’s tough getting user casket reviews
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If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.