Watermelon Boss!
You Might Also Like
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I don’t get marriage
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
can I use a minion as a tampon
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.