I don’t get marriage
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor: