My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
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HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
He’s cranky this morning
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time