Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.