A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
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My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes