Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
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People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies