Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
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boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie