Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

no refunds

Every work call, he judges.

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.