HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
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Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
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Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.