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a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting