*has no idea what a book even is*
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
He wanted to make sure😂
Don’t make me out nice you.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.