For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
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I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
how it started vs how it ended
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”