[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
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Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Nomnomnomnom
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone