[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
he was correct
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.