[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
hey, alexa
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
How to make infinite energy.