10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
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[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary