Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
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Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone