If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
next question.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.