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I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Huge, if true.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.