sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.