sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
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My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
May have had one breakfast too many
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I’m not wrong
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.