Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village