[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
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cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Risking my life for fun.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
But is it really??
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys