Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
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If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time