Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

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Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?