Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
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Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”