*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
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Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
dutch is not a serious language
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch