Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
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my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Mornin
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I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat