Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

This might be the funniest tweet ever