Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
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TEETH IS INNOCENT
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Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*