Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
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Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life