If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
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*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Love this one 😂🧟
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.