in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
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Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
A couple who are silly together stay together.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Body by sandwich.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now