I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
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Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
concern
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here