I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
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According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”