Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
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Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-