My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
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Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”