What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Jail
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!