Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu