Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
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[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*