My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
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My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.