Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
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I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Me too door. Me too.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*