5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”![]()
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Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
5 ways to appear taller
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Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
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I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.