5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
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I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog