Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
iPhone X
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Teach your children to beatbox