No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.