Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
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PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.