*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
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me adding lol on a serious message
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Vodka burrito was a success
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Smells like a challenge to me
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree