me adding lol on a serious message
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“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.