Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
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Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I’m not alone. I have ants.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.